How Do You Go On?
by Nightshade'sMusings
Summary: How do you go on, when there is no going back? The Doctor's first thoughts after the Time War.


**A/N- So I was thinking about what the 9th Doctor's thoughts might be immediately after regenerating and how he dealt with burying the War Doctor. So here it is. Enjoy! Oh yes and there is reference to the recently announced Big Finish product which will see the 'Classic' Doctors face some of the 'New' monsters, jsut a heads up.**

How do you go on, knowing there is no going back?

That's the first thought that enters my mind after the change, after the regeneration. I take stock of myself, check myself over. I feel younger, more vibrant then before. I bring my hands up to feel the shape of my face, of my hair. Not a lot of hair this time and the ears, oh no the ears. I frown to myself as the memories of the past few days come slamming down, the memories of what I've done.

"No!"

It takes a moment for me to realise that I'm the one that shouted, such a stronger voice…such an angry voice. I shake my head in denial. He, that creature who did the deed…who destroyed Gallifrey, was not me. I refuse him, I deny him, I don't want to be him, I don't want to remember all the things that he did, and I don't want to remember him. Concentrating I delve into my newly re-formed mind, seeking out my past self and bury him.

I will not know him.

I will not be him!

I cry out in pain as I bury the last of him and darkness claims me.

How do you go on, knowing there is no going back?

My first thought, not a very cheerful one as well. I hope my eyes and wish I hadn't. I've never felt like this after any regeneration. I'm cold, shivery; I raise my hand to my brow and come away with beads of sweat. I frown as I try to remember what caused the regeneration, I…I can't remember. I focus my delicate mind and try again, and then I remember. I feel a chill pass through me at what my eighth incarnation did. I try to reconcile those actions, those drastic actions, with the man I used to be, that gentle Edwardian incarnation, and I come up blank. Nothing fits, nothing makes sense. Then I remember, I remember the War, the Skaro Degradations, the Could-Have-Been King, all the travesties of the War and the final Act, the final plan of Rassilon and the Council. Now it makes sense, now I understand. It had to be done, the Council, the Daleks. They had to be stopped. I hang my head, but at such a cost.

I'm all alone.

A new thought, another cheery one. I search desperately in my head, trying to find some trace of another Time Lord. But there's nothing, I am alone.

I turn and stumble towards the doors of the TARDIS, pulling them open. I'm expecting it to be quick, I'll be dragged into space and I'll be gone, the final Time Lord, the final Gallifreyan, dead. Why do I deserve to live when I have destroyed all my brothers and sisters? But it doesn't happen; I don't go flying into space. I'm left staring into the beauty of space, safe and sound. Behind me the TARDIS makes a sound and, for the first time, I feel a hint of a smile on my lips.

"So that's it is it? You won't let me go like that? Still protecting me old girl?"

I frown, those words, they don't sound right in my head anymore, they don't gel. The point still stands though; she won't let me kill myself. I sigh as I look out into space, at the simplicity of it, at the beauty of it. I stare at it for a long while, just staring at it, I realise what the TARDIS has done of course. The universe still needs saving, still needs someone to come along and help it with its problems. Yes the Daleks may be gone but there are so many others out there, Cybermen, Weeping Angels, Sycorax and so many others. I turn and close the doors, stumbling back to the console. Instinctively my hands travel around the different controls, sending the TARDIS towards its next destination. Yes the universe needs me, whether they want me or not.

How do you go on, knowing there is no going back?

The thought flashes through my mind once more, this time I have an answer. You have to face the future, have to face the consequences of the past. Be content in the knowledge that there is still some good in the universe, and that I can help somehow.

As I finish with the controls I notice what I'm wearing, there's something not quite right about it. Too fancy, I don't want fancy anymore, I don't have it in me, not after the War, not after everything. I need something simple, understated. With that in mind I head into the depths of the TARDIS, towards the wardrobe.

I feel more at ease now, feel comfortable. My clothes are me now, I couldn't even remember the clothes I had been wearing, or the Sonic Screwdriver. Entering the Console room again I can tell something's different. I can't quite tell what but the walls are a little different I'm sure.

"Okay, let's see what you have in store for me this time."

I head towards the console and glance at the little monitor as the destination comes up and, for the first time, I can feel a big grin on my face. I search around for the right word, a word which rolls off of my tongue.

"Fantastic."


End file.
